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Friday, April 22, 2005

I’m A Victim

Last night was the first time I’ve ever had to call 911.

The operators’s voice was female and soothing.

“Yes, I need to report a robbery.”

I don’t even know if that’s the right word.

“What kind of robbery?”

“My car,” I said. But that wasn’t right.

“Well, wait, they didn’t steal my actual car, but they broke a window and stole stuff OUT of my car.”

“What did they take?”

“A cell phone, a wallet, an iPod and two jackets.”

“OK, we’ll send a police car to you. Where are you located?”

I look for street signs at the intersection nearest me. I see “Harmon Pl” but nothing to tell me what the other street is. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves — missing street signs. And now that peeve is totally justified.

“I’m on Harmon in downtown Minneapolis, but the other street sign is missing so I don’t know what the intersection is.”

What I wanted to say was, Don’t you have GPS thingies that can track me on my cell phone?

“I need to know where you are before we can send a car.”

I scan the buildings near me, looking for an address.

“I’m at the First Baptist Church on Harmon.”

For some reason I want to laugh at that.

“I don’t see an address for that church on Harmon.”

Finally, Brian (who is now missing his cell phone and wallet) finds an address.

“OK, we’re on 11th St. and Harmon.”

“I’m sending a car there now. Wait for them.”

And then she hung up.

Ten minutes later, a police car pulls up. The two officers sit in their car and write down my license plate number. I look at the shattered glass covering my backseat. At least they were kind enough to only break the small “vent” window, not the large one that rolls down.

“Whose car?” the officer on the passenger’s side finally asks.

“Mine.”

“What was taken?”

I tell him.

“Did you have any bottled water in the back?” the other, chubbier cop asks. It was his first and only question.

“Ummm. No?”

I still don’t know why he asked that.

The chubby one lumbered out of the driver’s seat and began searching the sidewalks with his flashlight.

“What kind of iPod was stolen?” the skinnier one continues.

I wasn’t sure what he meant.

“uh… 15Gb and it had my name and e-mail address engraved on the back.”

He wrote it down.

“What brand of iPod?”

[pause]

“Apple.”

I try not to sound incredulous.

Just then the chubby one walked up with two jackets in hand.

“Are either of these yours?”

I don’t think I would’ve been happier to see my iPod. I just bought that jacket and it’s damn fine. The thought of some drugged-up greasy man wearing it kinda pissed me off.

He also handed over Brian’s wallet. Of course, it was empty except for one lone picture that they spared. Somehow, they had missed both my wallet and my cell phone, which were also in the car, and not very well hidden.

(No, I will not make that mistake again.)

The chubby cop went back to searching. A few minutes later, we heard him yell.

“Hey you! Stop!”

The three of us — Brian, me and the other cop — turned to look. An obviously stoned man was stumbling down the sidewalk, and the chubby cop was in hot pursuit. The stoner drifted into the street.

“Hey! Come here!”

The cop grabbed the stoner’s neck, dragged him across the sidewalk, slammed him face first into a brick wall and kicked his legs to spread them.

Suddenly we were watching an episode of “Cops.”

After patting the stoner down, they threw him in the back of their car. Without a word about what just happened, the skinnier cop came back and resumed questions about the car. He even smiled a little like he was proud.

After a few more questions, the skinnier cop handed me a card with a police report number written on it and they took off. Brian and I drove to my house with broken glass sliding around in the back seat.

And now I have to leave work early to replace a window. At least this will give me a compelling reason to clean out my car. Now if only I could listen to my iPod while doing so. I hope whomever has it right now enjoys Damien Rice as much as I do.

*****

A word of advice: Don’t go to Harmon Auto Glass to replace a window. A co-worker suggested another place, John’s Auto, and they will replace the window for a full $100 less than Harmon.

Another word of advice: Don’t leave good stuff in your car.

Posted by Aaron on April 22, 2005 11:10 AM