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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Greatest Sadness of All

How easily people slip through this world unknown. Those who want to hide whatever it is about themselves that ignites shame simply turn on the smiles and stock up an arsenal of questions. They know that most people are perfectly content to talk about themselves, talking not with, but to. In the worst case, whole families spend lifetimes together, never really knowing or understanding themselves, and so they never really know each other.

I think, though, that the human spirit is persistent. We find ways to connect with others because connection is not a want, it is a need.

A co-worker often hugs me when I come in the office. Last week after a long day of work the words came spilling out and she confided that she feels very alone and confused about why her friends don’t seem to really act like friends. Though she didn’t say it, it became clear that the simple embraces we share help her feel connected and cared for, however briefly.

A friend pays for time with escorts. Sometimes sex is involved but more often the clothes come off and all that follows is conversation. He wants someone to talk to, to see him in his emotional nakedness.

The other night I had dinner with a new friend, 24 years old, gay, and no one knows. Because no one asks, and it’s easy to not bring it up. Except that no, it’s not easy. It’s lonely.

Even this blog was created partially as a response to my own solitude and need to heal. Often I feel that my desire and need for human connection is stronger than in most. Perhaps, though, I just admit it.

It is easy to go through this world unknown. For the ones who are afraid of themselves, who avoid digging deep inside and who shirk even more from exposing that to others, I want to wrap them in my arms and say, Be still, my friend. Let me look inside and together we’ll gently explore the whole of you, and together it won’t be so frightening. Down there among that shame is something beautiful. That, too, is you.

But be warned. Sometimes I see this need in others and I don’t respond. I pretend not to notice and give them only the surface and allow them to give only that in return. As much as I want to give and to love, my emotional wells are easily drained. Many times I have felt people coming to me, wanting to be listened to and understood and cared for, and I have turned them away, afraid of being sucked dry. Sometimes, when I do give, I wonder if it’s only so that they will give in return.

In the end, I am just as selfish as anyone else. And just as afraid. Writing this is painfully scary, though the content may seem innocuous to you. But there has been too much lately… Too many people who I want to grab, look in the eye and say to them and to me, Hi. We’re all in the same boat. It’s OK to be unsure and to feel alone. And it’s even more OK to be yourself — truly yourself, without the barriers you’ve spent years building. They may keep the outside world from looking too closely at you, but they also keep you from the richness and fullness of life. And that, I believe, is the greatest sadness of all.

Posted by Aaron on September 28, 2005 12:11 AM