« 2007 | OK, back to home | Feb. 14 »

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The essence

Sometimes, when I’m at a coffeeshop or at dinner, I look at couples sitting near me. They’re laughing and talking about whatever it is they talk about, and I’m overcome by a sudden wave of fury. I think, “You’ll probably never have to deal with brain tumors or cancer, either yourself or with your significant other, and if you do, it won’t be after just a few months of being together and at age 25.”

Lately, I’ve seen my worst traits come out on display. Irrational anger, fear, depression, self-pity, selfishness and insecurity have all been marionettes in this play, and occasionally I’ve been their puppet. Most of it – like anger at innocent couples – I’ve expressed only internally. Sometimes, though, those less-attractive traits have made it into the external world. Casey could probably attest to this.

Sometimes I wish I could say that everything will be fine, that the future is clear and certain and that we’ll grow old and happy together. I’ve tried to say those things but the words get stuck in my chest, strangled before they even hit my vocal cords. The reality is that I don’t know what the future holds. I never do — no one does — but I can predict the future even less now than what I thought I could a few months ago.

I think I’ve said it before on this web site and I’m saying it again: This world is not what I think it should be, and that hurts. It pisses me off and I quietly rage against it and sometimes I want to give into hopelessness and spend my days in bed, buried under six pillows, a sheet, a blanket and a thick down comforter.

But that doesn’t happen. Instead, life goes on and somehow the good trumps the pain and the fear.

I’m continually and thoroughly amazed by the human capacity for hope.

The past couple of months have often brought to mind a quote that my mom uses when teaching high school health classes. It’s about the difference between immature and mature love. The former says, “I love you because I need you.” The latter says, “I need you because I love you.”

As despicably pop-self-help as that sounds, it helps me understand what I feel. While there are times when aimless frustration and fear get the best of me, most of the time I just feel that I love someone and that I would do anything to make him happy and safe. No matter the circumstance, that is an amazing feeling… To know — to see and to experience — that I, Aaron, have an immense capacity not only to feel pain but that it is matched by an equally immense capacity to love. I need him because I love him.

And when the false, wallpapered words of “everything will be fine” become stuck in my throat, they are replaced by honest conversation about life and love and fear. The trivial is stripped away and just the essence remains… And that essence is beautiful. It is something unquestionable and unshakable and undeniably worth living for.

Hope, perseverence and renewal are things I’ve consistently written about on this site, through issues both big and small. This is but another instance.

—

Read Casey’s updates at caseyquinn.com.

Posted by Aaron on January 17, 2007 5:05 PM