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Friday, January 25, 2008

A Reminder

One of my college professors wrote a letter of recommendation this month to help me complete a grad school application. I cringed when I read it:

“Aaron’s favorite book was For Whom the Bell Tolls; he stopped reading Walden because it was too boring. He enjoyed the Bible and poetry, and he read a poem that ended, ‘Some things are better left unsaid.’”

He enjoyed the Bible.

It instantly brought me back seven years to my freshman year at Michigan State University. This was me: Religious to an extreme, closeted, and uncomfortable in my own skin. I shared a dorm room with my ex-boyfriend, Charlie, and while he was kick-starting a healthy dating life, I was busy padlocking myself in the closet. It was a rough year.

I feel very different from that person now. Walden is no longer boring, I don’t attend church services, it would take me some time to even find my Bible, and I don’t particularly enjoy poetry. (For Whom the Bell Tolls, though, is still a good choice.)

This letter and recent events in my life – Casey and I breaking up, my grandfather dating someone who’s not my grandmother, applying to grad schools, a good friend telling me has HIV, etc. etc. – have made me think about evolution, not on a grand scale but on an individual level. How and why and when do we change or evolve or mature or deteriorate? How do we deal with our own past histories and habits and ways of thinking and behaviors?

Simply put, how do we change?

It can’t just be a matter of years. Time is meaningless without specific moments of decision that move us in one direction or another. Do I say this now or do I not? Do I do this tonight or do I not? Do I give up, or do I continue? Do I clad myself in bitterness, or do I remember what’s good and wonderful?

These small decisions and constant attitude adjustments move the needle on our lives, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.

Sometimes we look back and see how far we’ve come and sometimes we look back and we seem to be simply treading water.

When I reflect on the person I was seven years ago, it is easy to see the differences, and to be thankful for those. I’m undeniably happier now. But there also are many similarities between me now and me then. Some of these constants – like my tendency for shyness or insecurity – I continue to struggle against. Others, I treasure greatly.

Even as he called out parts of me that I no longer embrace, my former professor managed to remind me of those parts that I hope to always keep as part of my character. In particular, this:

“His love of and passion for other people is Aaron’s strongest trait. … In a world that often wounds people, to live well, Aaron knows, is to renew well, and the love of his friends and family have renewed Aaron.”

As I read many past entries on this website, I see this theme, too. Thank you, Professor Dorr, for reminding me.

Posted by Aaron on January 25, 2008 10:42 PM