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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Language Lessons

At the Montreal Botanical Gardens today, somewhere between the Japanese gardens and the arboretum, I nodded and said bonjour to some strangers passing by.

Adam looked at me and said, “Bonjour. The r is more throaty, back here.” He touched his tonsils. “Bon joughh. Can you do that?”

“Bon joughh,” I said with a little phlegm at the end.

“Bon joughh,” Adam said again.

“Bon joughh,” I repeated. “Bon joughh. Bon jougGhGh. Bon joughhghGHGHG.” I practically hacked up a lung with a deep, guttural sound. Ducks swimming in the pond flew away in fright. Clearly I was taking it seriously.

Adam looked at me with a look of infinite patience and wisdom, the look of a teacher with a well-meaning student who just isn’t getting it.

“It takes time to learn,” he said.

—

We each have different ways of dealing with the language barrier. I mentally plan my sentences, editing them down to as few words as possible. “Chicken.” “Number 97.” “One ticket.”

Adrian gives blank stares.

Justin spews verbal stew that confuses even his English-speaking friends. This is especially effective when ordering complicated cocktails that they’ve never heard of in Montreal.

“I’ll have a dirty martini with top-shelf vodka, do you have top-shelf vodka, tanqueray or grey goose?”

The server, who is really a bar-back filling in on a busier-than-expected night, looks at him with a confused look. “Ehhh… Dirty martini?” She asks.

“A dirty martini is easy to make two olives a little olive juice a splash of vermouth and the rest is top-shelf vodka do you have top-shelf vodka?”

Justin’s quick-moving words are made even more complicated by his constant, well-meaning hand movements and head shaking. He smiles the whole time to show that he’s explaining out of friendliness.

The server leaves to fetch a different server who hopefully understands English a little better.

“Justin,” we say. “For god’s sake! Slow. Down. And. Use. Fewer. Words.”

This happens at every restaurant.

Posted by Aaron on June 29, 2008 5:18 PM